Unethical Veganism

19 Jul

This is not bacon and eggs. It’s actually tofu scrambled with turmeric and paprika (throw in onions and garlic) and tempeh flavored and shaped to look like bacon. The hash browns are real, although I baked them instead of fried them. Why? Because I’m an unethical vegan–I honestly don’t care about animals, I honestly don’t care if YOU eat meat either, but I’M doing it because it makes me healthier.

There’s an old joke – “How do you know someone’s a vegan? They tell you.” Normally I don’t, but… hey, I need a blog post today! 🙂 Also I don’t tell people usually because no one wants to know that. They don’t wanna feel bad about their eating habits. They know they’re eating crap, but they like it, and so they keep eating it.

If you’re a “serious” vegan, you have to avoid ANY animal products. That means asking people what’s in things when you go the restaurant. Then you have to tell people WHY you’re asking. Then you’re no fun, because in America, we have fun with our friends by going out to eat. And if you’re picky about what the “Veggie Sampler” is, you’re the buzzkill in the group.

So what is the unethical vegan lifestyle? You mostly avoid animal products, but you don’t go out of your way to prove that. I get to be de facto kosher, which is nice for my faith, but again, I don’t go out of my way to determine if the grill that cooked my tofu was also used to cook meat. You try to order the green salad, because every other salad on the menu has freaking cheese sprinkled on it.

Now I’ve lost about thirty pounds doing this lifestyle. Now to be honest, this is the second time I’ve lost thirty pounds eating this way. There is a LOT of unhealthy ways to be vegan and they all have to do with eating grains. I’ve learned the hard way, 2000 calories a day is honestly not that much. They joy in eating veggies is that you can a lot of them. But start adding dressing, and bread, and alcohol… whoo! That adds up fast!

I’m still fifty pounds overweight and not thrilled about it. I cheat on my diet, but just like sin, I’ll do penance at the shrine of the porcelain god later. 😉 I’ll admit it, vegan pizza sucks. I’ll sneak a piece of cheese (or two or three) and be in hog heaven (without the pork). If someone offers me a piece of their meat offerings, I don’t refuse. Although I’ll admit, meat doesn’t taste that good any more. It’s just blah.

I’d rather eat a carrot hot dog than a real one… you just have to marinate it for hours and then roast the hell out of it, but damn, it takes good! And that’s the real downside of unethical veganism – every dish takes SO MUCH LONGER to make. You want to substitute eggs in your recipe; sure, flax eggs… but now you’ve added another minute. Chili? Sure, make sure you soak your dried beans OVERNIGHT! You want pasta-less vegetarian lasagna? A) You just added five syllables to what you eat. B) You have to salt and slice eggplant for an hour.

That’s why it’s so easy to be vegan and eat bad. Rice takes 15 minutes to cook, bread and breakfast cereal is available NOW. Carrots and celery are ready now, but they make your tummy feel weird, so why not add peanut butter?! (sigh) The Battle of the Bulge is real, my friends, but just like being friends with vegans, you already knew that.

But tell me, do you like any vegan dishes? Do you secretly find joy in veggie lasagna? Tell me in the comments section below!

8 Responses to “Unethical Veganism”

  1. msnyder1970 July 19, 2020 at 11:34 am #

    I like vegetarian and vegan meals, but I could never understand why if someone is so against an animal would want to eat something that is reminiscent of a meat product. why go thru the trouble of making your to scramble look like eggs or tempeh bacon. Otherwise, your food looks quite yummy.

    • albigensia July 19, 2020 at 2:36 pm #

      You grow up with a certain consistency for your food. To avoid craving for the old food, you try to simulate it.

  2. michnavs July 20, 2020 at 6:10 am #

    My diet is more of vegetable actually..but i am not vegan though..just my choice cos just like what you said it too makes me healthier .

  3. Karthigeyan July 20, 2020 at 7:35 am #

    Really good post. I have been a vegetarian all my life. I would not force my principles on anyone, but it prickles me when I see vegan products coming up now trying to replicate meat through soya based food. It would just contribute towards your proteins and nothing else. And I love a veggie lasagne for sure 😉

  4. Bossylibrarian July 20, 2020 at 2:36 pm #

    Haha! I need that carrot hotdog recipe! I’m dairy free, gluten free because those food groups mess with me so I’m always looking for creative recipes! Thanks for the post!

  5. bekitschig July 22, 2020 at 12:38 am #

    Don’t try house sharing with vegans that live up to the intro joke!

  6. MichaelStephenWills July 29, 2020 at 5:58 am #

    Thanks for this humorous post and for following my blog. Your support is appreciated.

Trackbacks/Pingbacks

  1. The “Simple” Joy of Vegan Pancakes | Albigensia Press - January 26, 2021

    […] Preparing food in my house is never easy. Anything that requires eggs is out. We avoid meat in the house. Also, onions and garlic, with tomatoes to a lesser degree. That makes cooking a meal rather difficult, even a vegetarian one, because onions and garlic (which I love) are the base of so many of things. Cheese, the basis of all American cuisine, is also out the window and the vegan substitutes never quite have the right attributes to make it work in most dishes. […]

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