What The Hell Did I Just Watch?

21 Jul

I happened to see Zardoz (1974) was available on Hulu. All I knew is that it was terrible and was one of those films I’m sure Sean Connery wish he never did (including Highlander II). But then one of my friends convinced me, “Oh, no – it’s really good. Watch it!” Okay – and I descended into movie-watching hell.

I’m not going to put a spoiler warning here because this movie is already spoiled. There is no way to describe this film–even the official description makes absolutely no sense after the first fifteen minutes. It starts off with a floating head explaining sophomoric philosophy, followed by a killing spree and a (different) giant floating head while Beethoven plays in the background.

You follow the floating head for the credits, which should have told me to run away right there. I already had the “pretentious” flag from the intro, the killing spree by men in scanty clothing, the Beethoven… but then, the “written, produced, and directed by” warning right there? I should have stopped right there!

Now if you love this film, then you and I expect different things out of movies. I expect a story. I don’t expect a visual representation of the pointlessness of existence or the ennui of being really… really old. The story should be the plot. You can have a message, you can have a really obvious message, but there needs to be a story. This has no story – it is “look at this cool universe” and “this is the message” kind of movie. The first could be forgiven – the second screams “art film.”

It’s not just that this is 70’s sci-fi. I love Logan’s Run. I love Soylent Green. But I was reading a review of this film that encapsulated it all. Will Thomas said, “A fascinating reminder of what cinematic science fiction used to be like before Star Wars, this risible hodge-podge of literary allusions, highbrow porn, sci-fi staples, half baked intellectualism and a real desire to do something revelatory misses the mark by a hundred miles.”

There is a lot of boobies. A lot of “Show me more of this human thing called sex.” I now understand the “Big Giant Head” joke from 3rd Rock from the Sun. I feel asleep twice during this film… and only felt the need to rewind once. I skipped past a five minute montage of teaching Zed… with lots of boobies. There were two redeeming points in the movie – and I’m giving nothing away here – one is where Zed learns to read, the other was the Apathetics licking Sean Connery.

And then it ends, as you knew it was going to end, with a denouement which would have been nice if it hadn’t been so creepy. It reminds me of 2001: A Space Odyssey. Most of the film is slow-motion shots of “Look how cool these effects are!” set to the Blue Danube Waltz, fifteen minutes of “That’s a neat story,” and an artsy ending.

I’m gonna give this a 8/10 on the WTF meter. The only movie I’ve ever seen that rating higher (9/10) was Motorama (1991); I figure a 10/10 would destroy the fabric of the universe. I am also going to punish my friend for telling me to watch this film. My retribution will be swift.

How would you punish my friend? What piece of garbage would you make him watch? Write your answer in the comments below.

P.S. Shaktimaan (the TV show) is not an option. That’s just cruel and unusual punishment.

14 Responses to “What The Hell Did I Just Watch?”

  1. Bon Repos Gites July 21, 2020 at 12:37 pm #

    I saw this movie years ago and thought it was dire 😦

  2. Sabiscuit July 21, 2020 at 1:58 pm #

    I love reading a juicy review that skewers the creators. Great work. 😂👏🏽👏🏽 Some films are so bad they make you want to shout. A long time ago, mandatory diversity riders and intimacy coordinators didn’t exist, and people who had the money to make films and had no sense, created them in their own image. The first thumbnail tells me everything I need to know about the production quality. There was so much hair on the actor’s thighs as well as other “information”. The costume also looks like wrapping cloth or a scarf. Except they didn’t use organza and silk, they used polyester. I judge these things.

  3. msnyder1970 July 21, 2020 at 4:32 pm #

    I cant even watch the trailer lol, although I do want to see this crazy sci musical called The 🍎

  4. Max July 22, 2020 at 6:39 am #

    Get your friend to watch ‘Charlies Angels Full Throttle’. Worse punishment cannot be imagined.

  5. Cindy Georgakas July 22, 2020 at 7:23 am #

    Thanks for visiting me on blog. I’m now following you as well.

  6. forresting365 July 22, 2020 at 8:15 am #

    Oh MY!!! I have not been able to stop laughing since seeing that first picture of Sean Connery! That was worth the price of admission!!! This looks wonderfully bad….like something that would be showcased on Svengooli. Thank You so much for the laugh! Still happening! Cheers, Rock on, and may Your friend never mislead You so again! 🤣💕😅

  7. sirishtythakur July 23, 2020 at 7:02 am #

    This is the best review I have ever read🤣 Well Thanks for the idea, now I know how to punish my friends

  8. chris ludke July 24, 2020 at 8:42 am #

    Your friend would suffer plenty by watching Velvet Buzzsaw on Netflix if it’s still there.
    The photo of Sean Connery in the red get up is a scream! Thanks for the laugh!

    • albigensia July 24, 2020 at 10:33 am #

      Interesting… I’ll have to try that out. My retribution is at hand. 😀

      • chris ludke July 24, 2020 at 10:55 am #

        hahaha It’s like a train wreck. You can’t look away. enjoy!

Trackbacks/Pingbacks

  1. And you raise your hands in some stupid symbol… | Albigensia Press - December 4, 2020

    […] aliens from the planet Zardoz won’t leave his lawn. Maybe the Marian Ritual will protect him from the power of hell. Maybe […]

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