You’ve Just Seen… The Plan!

My eyes were glazing over my feed when I saw “THE PLAN” written in a picture from a post. The post itself didn’t interest me as much as the font choice. When you put “THE” and capital letters on something, it implies importance. But have we all become too jaded to The Font?

To paraphrase Penn Gillette, “If you truly believe in Heaven and Hell and that Jesus is the only way to save your fellow man, then you MUST preach to save them.” He was saying it ironically, because he doesn’t believe most people actually believe it to their core. And yet Campus Crusade for Christ (better known as “triple C”) plays that clip (with Penn’s permission) for their college kids every year.

As a non-Christian, non-Atheist, I respect the “Plan for Salvation,” even if I don’t believe it, and have a similar vibe: “You must believe this enough that you feel you have to reach out on your blog to save me.” I should feel honored or blessed, but instead I think, “Seriously?”

When I was in college, Seth, a friend of mine, would sit at the cafeteria and joke, “The Council demands you give me that slice of pizza.” Until one day, another friend, Andy, replied “No.” Seth replied, “You dare oppose The Council?!” “No,” Andy answered, “because I’m ON The Council!” And thus a running gag was born.

(I’m skipping several key points to that story, none of which you care about.)

The practice of putting “The” in front of a word is rather funny. The Coffee. The Computer. The Cheez Whiz. But my jadedness continues: “This is THE most important election of our lifetime.” Except you said that the last four elections I’ve voted in, but this time you mean it? Or are you just trying to get me to vote for Dukakis?

Speaking of which, I have the Dukakis ’88 coffee mug as my primary vehicle for getting black brew to my face. I think it’s hilarious; I liberated it from my great aunt’s hoard. I’d say she was a diehard Democrat in a Red district in a Blue state, but she saved everything… so how much was the Bill Clinton beer can a decoration of a successful political campaign, or just the fact she hadn’t thrown out anything in decades?

But it’s a symptom of the jadedness in my soul – I’ve seen so much that I thought was important that turned out not to be that it’s hard for me to take seriously. I grew up Fundamentalist Light – I went to a mainline church, but I went to Christian youth group, I listened to CCM, and I lived in fear of being left behind in the Rapture. I believed that when God meant for me to have a girlfriend, that one would appear. No one #*$&ing ever explained, “Oh, and you have to ask a girl out.” Those that preached thought that was obvious – because they didn’t believe in the Immaculate Relationship. They were more concerned with keeping kids from having sex and children out of wedlock. But I didn’t know any better, and between that and being socially awkward, I didn’t get laid until I was 25.

So my experience was similar to many converts; it wasn’t a lack of faith that caused me to leave Christianity, it was believing too strongly. However, my jadedness doesn’t need to infect you. Do you still take Important Times seriously? Do you find the fact I have a salt rock candle holder funny? Do you also need a coffee heater because I don’t drink it fast enough? Let me know in the comments below!